


Everyone Is An Island- Talking Is Our Bridge

by Cucumalec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Everyone needs a Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Panic Attack, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 05:14:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16717179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cucumalec/pseuds/Cucumalec
Summary: Alec has a panic attack; but Magnus is there for him.If he was happy and content a few moments ago, this changes to the complete opposite from nowhere . Maybe it's the alcohol, he hopes as he feels his heartbeat acclerate. The room around him starts to rotate. Oh God, please not now, Alec thinks desperately.(Please be careful, if this might be triggering to you.)





	Everyone Is An Island- Talking Is Our Bridge

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little exercise I did.(No plot, just feelings) English isn't my native language, but I hope you like it anyway:)

It's the Saturday before christmas and Alec is surrounded by the people who mean the most to him in this world. He watches Izzy and Simon argue about the latest Star Wars movie. Even when they fight, you could still tell how much they love each other. He is glad that she finally found someone with whom she could imagine spending the rest of her life. It's already dark outside, but Clary lit several candles that made the room feel warm and cozy. He chuckles lightly because Izzy is proposing a duel with a lightsaber to end the fight.Then he turns his head to the side and sees Jace, Magnus and Clary sitting in a circle and playing poker. Apparently Clary is pretty good at it, because she laughs while the other two desperately pluck their hair. It's not that Alec couldn't sit down with them, but he suddenly realizes that it doesn't matter whether he does or doesn't. If he was happy and content a few moments ago, this changes to the complete oppositefrom nowhere . Maybe it's the alcohol, he hopes as he feels his heartbeat acclerate. The room around him starts to rotate. Oh God, please not now, Alec thinks desperately. 

He gets up and apologizes himself as he leaves the room. They had to realize that something wasnt quiet right because he felt their looks following him. They probably think he is a weirdo anyway. That he is strange has some serious issues. After all they arenn't even wrong. He IS a freak. Somehow he reaches the toilet and pushes down the handle shiveringly. As he closes the door behind him, he collapses. He lets his tears run free, but tries to suppress his sobs as much as possible. The others shouldn't hear him. They couldn't see him like that. He doesnt want to ruin therir evening, which would definitely have been better without him anyway. They hate him. They had to hate him. He was not funny, not a good conversation partner. He was nothing. It is only a matter of time until they would realize this and leave him. Maybe it was better if he doesn't give them the chance, but withdraws by himself. 

Alec takes a deep breath but it feels like no air at all gets into his lungs. It's like he is in compressor and struggling not to be crushed. He tries to inhale again. He has the feeling to suffocate. He needs to get out of here. As fast as he can, he grabs the black leather jacket, puts it on and leaves the apartment. While waiting for the elevator, he silently tries to count to ten in his head to calm down. As he steps outside, an ice-cold blast hits him and he is grateful for the stabbing pain. It helps him to concentrate a little bit. Alec sets his feet in motion and walks down the street, he doesn't know exactly where to go,but he needs to get away.Just away. He looks around briefly. It's dark and not a soul can be seen far and wide. He sighs in relief before finally giving in to his feelings. Now he no longer holds back the sobs. God, it was good no longer to fight against it, but to simply give in. Nobody would notice his absence anyway. They all hate him. They hate him so much and he could understand them. There was nothing about him you could like. Nothing he was good at. They deserved so much better. It's like Alec's body and his thoughts are two different things. His body continues to move without him doing anything.

Somehow he subconsciously notices two lights coming closer. But then he is torn back by something. It holds him tight, Alec wants to fight it, but it just won't let him go. He screams and kicks it because he needs it to let him go.

"Alexander. Please. It's okay. I am here. I am here"

That makes him stop for a moment. He knows this voice. When he turns his face slightly to side he suddenly recognizes Magnus and in that moment the dikes break. He doesn't want Magnus to see him like that, but now it's already too late. He hugs him desperately, clings to his warm body while he himself is shaken by silent sobs. Magnus' hand gently strokes through his hair as he whispers soothing words into his ear. But slowly, very slowly, he manages to calm down a bit. He concentrates on Magnus' voice and his smell, which he perceives all too clearly. He breathes in.  
One.Two.Three.Four-

„. Everything will be all right, Alexander.It’s fine."

And out.  
Five.Six.Seven.Eight.Nine.Ten.  
He repeats this process over and over again. Finally his heart almost beats at normal speed again. Only now does he become aware of the situation. He frees himself from Magnus' and stares embarrassed at the ground.

"I am sorry," he whispers in a broken voice.

Magnus raises his chin to look him into the eyes.

"Never feel sorry for how you feel."

Alec nods weakly.

"But I know I shouldn't be like this. I have no right. “

"Alexander, everything you feel is valid. You shouldn't try to hideit. It only makes things worse."

And he knows Magnus is right. He knows it made things worse when he suppressed them. But who wanted to spend time with him when he showed them what he really was like? So often he was just angry and sad without having any explanation. If he showed this side to everyone else, they would simply turn away from him.  
Magnus looks at his face silently. 

"Please believe me when I tell you that I love everything about you. That I cherish every single moment with you. Whether you are sad, happy or confused or angry. I love you for all of that."

Alec closes his eyes, then he says, "Okay."

He knows that he should answer how much he loves Magnus and how grateful he is for him every single day. And he will tell him that eventually. Just not now. He is too exhausted for that. But Magnus does not seem to expect a stormy declaration of love from him. It looks like he is just fine with his answer. Then he pulls Alec back to himself and hugs him so tightly that it almost hurts. Magnus' face is buried in his shoulder. 

"You almost died today, Alexander. God,I can’t even think about it. That car almost-"

Magnus doesn’t end his sentence, but Alec feels guilty nevertheless. It is his fault that this evening took such a bad turn. He ruined everything for nothing.

"I am sorry," Alec says again. You deserve someone better, he thinks.

"Don't be. Only next time you feel like this, please let me know. Then we can call a cab and make sure you get home safely. Or I'll drive you home, if you want me too."

Alec thinks about it. He doesn't like to be surrounded by people he is close to, when he feels like this. They shouldn't have to see him in such a weak moment. But the thing with the cab was at least worth thinking about. He owes that to him. Magnus still looks at him questioningly as if he is waiting for an answer. Alec nods carefully and that seems to be enough for Magnus. 

"What do you say if we go home now and put you to bed, Alexander?"

Only then does Alec realize how incredibly tired he is. He wants nothing more than to fall asleep in Magnus' arms and ignore the world around them. Because of Magnus he doesn’t need the world anyway.He has him.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: When someone has a panic attack please don't just hug them, even if it feels naturally to do so. Talk to them first and make sure they are okay with you touching them. Because otherwise this person could hurt you or himself.
> 
> Thank y'all so much for reading and leaving Kudos.<3


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